| time... |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|12:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  intimidated | ] |
My grandmother always used to say that time is an illusion. So much of my life right now seems to be hanging by the threads of time. This is not somewhere I want to be. I want control of my life..I want to be active in it's progress. Waiting doesn't help me. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that anything but waiting is making things worse.
I've never been good at figuring out when to let go and when to hold on. I keep people in my life that are damaging to me for way too long. And I don't make enough of an effort with the people that aren't. I'm really bad at reading people. I generally feel like I'm going to be interrupting or annoying someone with my efforts to keep in touch regularly. Some of the people that have had the biggest impact on my life seem to be slipping away. I mean, sure, they'll always be there for me...but they're never actually here for me. Friends from high school that I thought I would always have drift away. I don't seem to be a part of their lives anymore, but there is still an empty place in my heart that I hold for them. I have wonderful friends that I talk to maybe once or twice a year. Is that all they want? All they have time for? Or just the way it's going to be?
I don't know where I stand with people. I wish real communication wasn't so hard to find. I want to respect peoples needs, but I also want them to know that I care. When someone feels really close to me and seems to truly care about who I am and what I'm going through turns around and pulls away from me, I don't know what to do. Is it so difficult to say I still want to be your friend, but I need space until further notice? Or, even, thanks, things were okay, but I never want to see you again. I hate being left without knowing.
I really need to get off of this emotional roller coaster. I think it was easier for me to spend a week and a half crying and staring at my ceiling. I think things are getting better, then everything crashes down again. I just have a hard time bowing out. I can't give up on people. Then I just end up letting people walk all over me and managing to feel like I deserve it. I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough.
Ahren just led me to figure it out in fairly simple terms. I care. And as much as it hurts me and as much as I hate it... I still like that about myself. I wouldn't, and couldn't even if I wanted to stop caring. I can't stop caring and I'm not strong enough to continue caring the way I do. I feel trapped inside myself. I've turned myself into an emotional yo-yo.
Last time things got this bad for me I ran away. I moved in with my Aunt, changed schools, changed locations, changed friends. I purged my life of the drama and pain that people were bringing me. I came back a better and more complete person. I needed it, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I feel like I need that know, but I honestly don't know what I'm running away from. I spent a week with Dan and Crystal a while ago and it helped so much. It gave me a chance to completely unwind around people that like me and not have to care about anything or feel the need to take care of anyone or anything. Now I feel like I need an escape from myself. I need a safe haven and I don't have one. |
|
|
| moving up in the world |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|03:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
I think I'll run out of tears eventually. I still cry myself to sleep every night, but I can get through the day with a straight face and a depressing emptiness. I've come to realize that you can't lose a friend without losing a part of yourself too. It's been true for all the friends that have left me behind. Bits and pieces of me stay with them...the things they liked the most in me and the parts of me that shone through whenever they were around. I don't know if they get buried in the loss and pain, or if they are actually gone now.
The last two days I made a huge effort to actually do a few things. My snakes needed to eat, the fish tank needed a water change, laundry, cleaning, ...all the little things around the house that I couldn't face in the past week and a half. I don't really feel any better, but staring at the ceiling isn't providing the comfort it was a few days ago. I guess it's good. If I can make myself feel a little better physically, maybe I'll have more energy to try to deal with the emotions.
I tried once to get support. I figure if someone knows I'm hurting and that I don't want to be alone, that's all they need to know. The rest is up to them. Unfortunately the rest that was up to them turned out to be nothing. I've had a few brief texting conversations, all of which have left me feeling like people don't care, don't know me, or don't understand me at all. At this point, I don't think I can handle trying to rely on someone else. I feel like it's too much to deal with on my own, but I can't keep putting myself into a situation where I'm just going to end up feeling worse. I don't think I can get up the courage to call someone and run the risk of being rejected or disregarded again.
I have the sinking feeling that time is the only thing that can help me now. |
|
|
| blah |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
Don't you just love it when your friends make you feel worthless? I always seem to end up being the odd one out. But for some reason I always get my hopes up and think it'll be different. |
|
|
| Jell-O Wrestling |
[Jun. 15th, 2008|02:15 am] |
I went Jell-O wrestling!!!! All of you that were there and didn't go, you suck big time.
I can't believe Lisa and I were the only ones that did it. Pffft. Wimps.
It was AWESOME!!!
Leah, you're the most awesomest person ever. I love you! |
|
|
| *toasts* |
[May. 3rd, 2008|04:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
Here's to you Eight Belles. 5th filly to place in the Derby. You deserved better. :( |
|
|
| Yay for friends... |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|11:40 pm] |
|
Props go to Erin...for being there when I needed a hug...caring enough to find out what's going on... and inadvertently making a really difficult decision easy. |
|
|
| blah |
[Apr. 11th, 2008|08:04 pm] |
|
Well, my idea of hanging out with Ruz and going to do something fun today was completely blown. I worked in the morning to finish off our paperwork from yesterday. Couldn't get ahold of Ruz when I got done. She called back after 5 but she was already with a group of people doing stuff...and I just couldn't face a group of people today. So..I got my taxes done. No idea if I did them right..but at least they're done. Work and taxes just doesn't quite count for the whole "Hey, I have a day off, lets get out and do something" thing. :/ |
|
|
| Making Ice |
[Apr. 6th, 2008|02:26 am] |
Great amusement on our drive from Antelope Canyon to Bryce. Gotta love sprinklers randomly making ice in the middle of a desert. :D
Gah...dA wont let me link to my site...or lj wont let me link to a dA site... either way, I would totally appreciate it...except I'm trying to show my own freaking picture. And I'm too lazy to upload it somewhere else.
Picture of sprinklers making ice! |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
xanthpenny's journal
